I have a shirt that has “Get Used to Different” written on it. I love that shirt and at one time I wore it often because I so wanted different, to my core, I wanted different.
If you are like me, I had all these ideas in my mind of what kind of different I wanted. And of course, some of the ideas were stemming from things I had in the past that I didn’t have anymore.
Grief and loss are so difficult to navigate and when you are in the throws of such devastating change, life can just be H.A.R.D.
For so many years, Mark took care of me like I was his princess. He taught me love and family. I didn’t know those well, but he did. He gave me so much grace and he was so patient with me over and over throughout the years. He gave me a family and love that I had always wanted. He made me a wife and a momma. Things were not always easy and there were many rough patches, but we always worked through them. Many times, it was me growing and maturing and Mark extending me grace through those times. The amount of love he displayed to me is really not anything that I deserved, and I don’t say that lightly.
When Mark was diagnosed with leukemia, I was devastated but I also knew it was my turn to love and support him just like he had been doing for me, for 19 years. Mark was my main focus for the next 10 months we had him on this earth. My heart was so open and all the walls that I had built up from life were just far less important now. When he felt well, we would have hospital movie dates, we would walk the floor hand in hand, him pushing that IV pole, we were together almost 24/7. I did my best to take care of him, to make him feel special, loved, and like he was the most important person in my life. That is how he always made me feel. While I hate cancer and I hate that he isn’t here with us anymore. I will forever treasure those months with him. They are some of my most favorite memories of just me and Mark. I fell in love with him all over again and I am so grateful for all the people and circumstances that allowed Mark and I to spend that time together.
Looking back, my search for different has been me trying to understand loss, trying to figure out how to step through grief, and how to feel like I was living life again instead of simply existing. I didn’t know how to live this life that didn’t include being loved by Mark after he passed. I just didn’t know how, period. I had such an overwhelming feeling of not belonging to anyone and of not fitting in anywhere. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose anymore. I didn’t feel like I was important to anyone anymore. I didn’t feel needed by anyone. I didn’t feel normal and at the same time I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with myself now.
The desire to recapture feelings that were so deep and held such importance and value that I didn’t have anymore; I missed them so much and I didn’t understand how to really move forward in a healthy and positive way. Mark was gone, my boys were off to the military living their lives, as they should have; I didn’t have my people that were my entire world. I was very alone, and I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere or to someone. I wanted to feel like I had a purpose that mattered and that I was appreciated and valued. The void was so wide and deep, and I just felt stuck even though I was outwardly doing most of the things I was “supposed” to be doing to live life.
As you can imagine mixed in the middle of all of that mess was a lot of tears and sadness, yes, a lot of joy, laughter, and happiness too. But also, confusion and more than a few poor choices, a lot of healing, growth, and maturity, good friendships that I will hold close to my heart for always, and some that taught me a lot about trust, the need for boundaries, and walking in the integrity of our authentic self.
Over time, the “Get Used to Different” shirt became a reminder to myself that I had to be open to change if I wanted something different than what I was living every day. It was also a reminder to me that different would come but it was up to me to make different choices and take different actions. If I wanted a different life, nobody was coming to rescue me. I had to be my own superhero.
I have thought so many times about how I could help other people walk through similar circumstances with a little less heartache than I have had the last nine years. But to be honest, I don’t know if there is any way to do it other than how each one of us walks it out for our own self. That is part of what makes us unique.
What I do know, is that I wouldn’t change not one single thing if it meant that I was anything other than who I am today. The Lord used it all to mold me into the me that I am now. He chipped away the hard edges that needed filed, He tore down some walls to open my heart, and He brought awareness to areas that needed healing. But as any good Father; He made me work for it so that I would place the appropriate value in Him and in myself.
What I do know, is that the journey for all of us going through any type of major shift or change in life will look different. There is not a diagram that can be followed and there is not a date on when certain milestones will be met.
What I do know is that you need to know that you will be okay. It will not always hurt as bad as it does today. You will not always be as confused as you are today. It may not ever be easy, but it will get easier. The hurt may not ever go away but it will not always hurt so much.
My hope is that by sharing my story I can help others walking through a similar path in life. Yours may look different than mine, but we all have one. They are the same, just different details. They can all be H.A.R.D. at times.
If you need help, get it. You don’t have to walk through things in life alone. If you are dealing with a significant loss such as death of a close loved one, I would recommend a good therapist or other licensed medical professional to help with processing all the nuances of that loss before reaching out to a life coach for help with creating a plan for the next version of you.
Have the courage to do the work needed to get to the place that you want to be in life… whatever that looks like for you.
You can be your own superhero!! You will be amazed at what God can do in your life.
You will never have what you had before but that doesn’t mean that life won’t be just as amazing. It will just be different.
Much Love 💕
Michelle