There is absolutely nothing like those people in your life that you KNOW love you. Totally and completely, 100%, there is nothing that you can do that would make them turn their backs on you. There is just something about that sense of belonging and peace and comfort that it gives. It feels so utterly peaceful. It feels freeing. It feels so needed. It feels so right. It feels like home. For me, those people on this earth, are my boys. Of course, the Lord. Of course, Him always. But in reference to mortal humans, that walk this earth today, those only people would be my boys. I call them my boys, and they always will be my baby boys, but they are 25 and 23 years old these days. I am getting to spend a few days with the both of them for the next little while. We’ve not all three been together since Christmas which was six months ago now.
My last six months have been quite a rollercoaster which has finally started to glide calmly back into the bay on level ground for the last couple months now. Thank the Lord, because that has been answered prayer from Him. His gentleness with my heart has been humbling to me. Belonging has always been this imaginary goal I sought after. From one person to the next not feeling like I fit anywhere or with anyone. Always the ‘movie extra’ in the distant background seen in many other people’s story but never really a significant speaking part and especially never a leading character would be cast by my name. As I continue to grow, to figure out who I am with just me, I am over and over convinced that most of figuring this thing out is about perspective. An objective perspective. Taking a step back to allow some distance, whether it was our choice for distance or simply placed upon us by others, distance is such a friend to us. Many times, I am finding, distance is more of a friend to us than those we have given that title to inappropriately. Distance allows those rose-colored glasses to make way for clear sight. Clear vision where actions are seen in a different light. Some of those actions even helpful in appearance on the surface but then with distance and perspective and looking at those in a different light you see the manipulation that can even be woven into something that appears to be kind. That is until you make that first choice on your own and step outside of the ‘perceived’ control the other person thought they had on you. The expectations that were supposed to be unspoken and just known. Until you start with the smallest step of being your own person and that is perceived as betrayal. Then, you don’t realize it at the moment, what you’ve just unleashed. All you have to do is just step back, with some distance, and watch the actions, the words, that unfold before your eyes. At first you don’t understand what’s happening. Then you don’t believe it. Then there’s no other explanation. There is no making up what happened or misunderstanding the situation. You just take the actions and the words at face value. And wow. Wow. Heartbroken. Anger. Sadness. Disappointed. Shame.
Every day I ask the Lord to help me forgive. Every day.
Life is all about perspective. Life is a balance of living life in a world filled with people who mostly we cannot trust but yet also learning how to effectively determine who are those that are deserving of us sharing our true authentic self with. Life is way too precious to be bothered by anything other than genuine kindness, love, and just common decency for others.
I am so very thankful for God’s gentleness with my heart. I am so very thankful for healing, I am continually on my way, it’s a journey, not a destination.
I am so very thankful to be spending some much-needed time with my boys. Gosh, it feels like home even though we aren’t at our home. But then, that just goes to show, home is who you are with, not where you are.
Thank you, Lord for my boys. Thank you that I get to be their momma.
Much Love ♥️
Michelle
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- Life After Life by Raymond Moody