I remember it like it was yesterday. December 9, 2014. We had finally made our way out of the ER into a real hospital room. It was evening by this time, and it seemed like the events since we had arrived at the hospital were just a bad dream that didn’t even seem possible to be happening to us.
I did have some dear sweet friends come to the hospital to make sure I had what I needed for the night, pray with me, and show me lots of love, but besides those quick visits – I didn’t leave his side. I couldn’t leave his side. I just held his hand, cried, and told him how much I loved him over and over again.
The thought going through my mind while I sat there beside him was that I did not know how I was going to live without him. He couldn’t have cancer – he didn’t ever do anything he shouldn’t, and he didn’t deserve this. How could God let this happen to him – happen to me and happen to our boys? I was so heartbroken.
The next ten months were nothing like we had ever experienced before in our lives. Leukemia changed every single thing within a millisecond of time.
What I choose to remember about those ten months is how proud I was of our boys. How thankful I was for our family, friends, and nurses (who became friends) – you all gave us such tremendous support and love for which I am eternally grateful to every single one of you. What I choose to remember is how much love I had for him. How much love I felt in his eyes every single time he looked at me even when he couldn’t speak. What I choose to remember is the joy it was to be with him and care for him the entire time and show him how much I loved him like he did for me all the years before.
My life will never be the same without him – so “different” is what I’ve come to agree with the Lord on. I will never ever understand why God needed Mark in Heaven so soon. But I am so thankful I had the chance to love him and be loved by him. He loved me so well. He loved so many, so well.
Ten years seems like an eternity already. October 12, 2015 – so much has changed since this day. So much is still yet to change. I am not the same person I was ten years ago. I have learned how to do so many things; I have done so much work toward learning to heal and allowing the Lord to put my heart back together in a way that only He could.
We have so much to do still – so much to bring honor to who Mark was, how he lived his life, and how he wanted our lives to be once he was better. My baby steps aren’t so small anymore. My strides are getting bigger and bigger all the time. I am so grateful for the person I am today. I am so grateful for our boys and my sweet granddaughter, the Lord knows they have been the joy of my life second to Him and the knot in my rope that keeps me hanging on when I want to let go.
Thank you, Jesus for this life of mine. Thank you for Your love, Lord, the love I’ve known, the love I’ve given, the heartache, the healing, and the patience You’ve had with me when I could only do the best I could do – which wasn’t much. Thank you, that I am not that same woman today and that You have been by my side the whole time. I couldn’t have done this without you, Lord. I just simply could not have done it without You. My life is Yours to use, Lord – continue to shape me and show me Your way. It’s not the one I had hoped and prayed it would be ten years ago – it is different, but I have decided that different is good also, if I decide to let it be.
My sweetest Mark – I love you always and I am just waiting for the day to see you again, my love.
Always your girl,
Missy
Y’all be kind and show your people some love today. It is the Good Stuff and the way to live life. It is so short.
Much love to you,
Michelle
